The Importance of Drinking your Water. And Minding your Business
We’ve all felt this in our spirit as we’ve either uttered the words to someone directly or aloud in our head.
Mind your business
Now when we hear “mind your business”, our minds may automatically go to someone in particular. Maybe it’s that nosey neighbor last week that asked you if your car is in the shop because they haven’t seen you leave your house in about a week. Or maybe your nosey aunt that over the holidays who always inquires on your dating life or relationship status. The question should be is “Where YOUR man auntie”??!
“Sweep around your own front door”
“Stay in your own lane”
“Mind the business that pays you”
All expressions universal to stress the benefits of leaving the affairs of others alone.
But if I may, I want to take a second to expand on the subject with a mere twist on behalf of the meddler. Not the overly involved neighbor or the busy body family member but rather the one with good intentions.
We all know him or her. The one person who has best intentions but just cannot seem to NOT take on everyone else’s problems.
The Fixer
Now you may be reading this and saying to yourself “Nah this ain’t me. Or maybe like me, are guilty of either being or have been considered one.
So what is a fixer? A few examples:
- The one that takes on everyone else’s problems and feels the need to solve them too.
- The one who gives unsolicited advice often but feels it’s just because they care a lot
- The one that feels so deeply that they unintentionally do more harm than good with those impacted.
A “recovering fixer” myself, I know first hand the instinct to want to just pick something up as a sign of love.
In the words of the prophet Erykah and Elsa
A few months ago, I was driving in the car and I was heard “Bag Lady” by the one and only Erykah Badu. A song that I interpreted as the warning signs of carrying baggage around disguised as the heaviness of trauma, hurt, and pain. For years I always connected this song to her referring dragging bags from the past to new relationships. As I was singing the ending of
“Let it go..let it go..let it go let it go”
I began to think how this could also apply to the bags that don’t belong to us that we choose to pick up and carry.
There is a queen in the magical kingdom of Arendelle by the name of Elsa. Though a completely different context behind her song, Elsa also warns to ‘Let it Go”. In her request, she encourages us to let the storm rage on.Could this be the key toward the acceptance that things will fall apart in life?
The Antidote
Again as one that struggles with this too, I offer no judgement if you have these tendencies.
So what’s the fix for fixer? How do we establish healthy habits that allow us to create boundaries that lighten our load and prevent us from being either emotionally codependent or bankrupt.
- Take a breathe.
Spoiler alert- It’s going to be ok. And even if it isn’t you stressing and full of angst won’t make it any better. Watch your response to stress and learn a healthy ways to respond to it. If it feels too consuming, too overwhelming, and just too heavy, it’s probably not yours to carry any way. Carry a load that only you are equipped to carry.
2. List your commitment and do only that.
I learned and had to apply this skill recently. As someone that will sometimes over commit and will produce no matter what, I’ve had to learn to develop healthier boundaries that were fair to me. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. Make your intentions plain and write them down if it helps. “I’m willing to help or not help in the following ways..” and list them. Anything that doesn’t make the list, isn’t something you identified as having the capacity or desire in doing, so don’t. Be fair to only what you can commit to.
3. Proceed to mind yours
Again if this is someone else’s problem, it’s not harsh to put that in perspective that it’s theirs and not yours. That doesn’t mean you are insensitive to their situation. It’s actually the opposite. Allow others the grace to figure it out that allows you serve as the soft ground they can land on versus being the human parachute.
And don’t forget your water
